Inspiration

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster day. It is a day, that has been full of anger, sleep deprivation, humility, and inspiration. Over the course of the last few days, I have been extremely sleep deprived between Lexie having sleep issues; my downstairs neighbors having extremely loud fights in the middle of the night; stress about Derik trying to leave and possibly getting hit by a car, or worse, or taken away from me by CPS; relationship problems; moving problems; and just plain insomnia.

Because of the sleep problems, I have been in a really cranky mood. The kids want to be kids, and I'm not dealing well with it. Because of Derik's wandering off problem, I made the decision to move to Thatcher, AZ so that I can be closer to family, and the kids will have the opportunity to actually be kids again. I can allow them to go outside and play and have fun without worrying that something is going to happen to them. That dream of leaving this week or next was dashed to pieces by a simple phone call. When I called to check on the status of my Pell Grant Money, I was advised that I would not be able to get my money until at least October. This was not what I wanted to hear. My children need to escape from Las Vegas badly, and so do I. This news wouldn't have been so bad had I not been told I should have the money "in the next couple of weeks" and made plans for that money. Our plan to move has not been thwarted, just delayed. I know that moving is the right decision, and that everything happens for a reason. What that reason is, I do not know. Hopefully Heavenly Father will help me understand why it is that it is happening this way.

I was given a break from the kids tonight, my first real break in a long time, and it was wonderful. I could have stayed away longer, but doing things by myself has never really been something that I enjoy. I don't mind being alone, and going out, but if I have someone that I truly care about and love, I would much rather spend that time with them, and do these things together. I decided to go watch the movie "The Proposal" but missed the showing, and didn't want to wait. The ticket taker suggested I try "Julie and Julia" and that is what I did. At first it was really wierd that I was the only person in the theater, but I have been alone in theaters before, so it really wasn't that big of a deal. I arrived about 30 minutes before the show began, and after spending time checking my facebook account on my phone, and chatting with my niece Tiana, the movie started. It was a great inspiration. It made me realize that even though right now I feel like my life is very empty, it isn't. I have two wonderful children who love me dearly. I have a man that is standing by my side and supporting my decisions, even if these decisions are not easy for him. I also realized that only I can fill my life with happiness. Instead of waiting for life to happen, I need to take charge of my life and make life happen for me.

This is the last week of my first set of classes at the University of Phoenix. Taking classes from UOP may have been a mistake, but they are a mistake that is leading me in the right direction. As mad as I am with them right now, I will continue with my education and get my degree and become an Elementary teacher. I have a goal to be finished in 2 1/2 years. I will have to work very hard, but I do know that I can do it! I know it without a doubt! When the stress gets to me, I am going to come here and vent about my life, so that I will no longer be taking my anger out on my kids (not in the physical sense, but in the "I can't deal with you sense.") My life is mine and mine alone. I have to make it right, not just for me but for my babies.